I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
