"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
