new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
