I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
