I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I met the friendliest cop last night
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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