I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
