And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
