I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Someone signed my nipple.
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