The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
