I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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