I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
