i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
