My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
