So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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