I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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