My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
