I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
