awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
