I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
