at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
