Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
