Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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