I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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