It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
