Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
