I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
