she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
