if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
