And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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