I could have mohawked her pubes.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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