Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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