my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
