I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
