I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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