I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
