He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
