they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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