Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is wine microwaveable?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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