Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
