I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
