I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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