I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
