I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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