Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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