Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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