The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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