I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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