I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
