I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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