How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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