Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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